Day 28.

Yesterday was interesting. I shut down around 2pm. I think having to deal with all the unfinished business of my taxes was too much for my system and I crashed. My property management company really dropped the ball with getting my financials to me each month for 2008. I know, I know, I should be responsible. I hear that voice loud and shrill in my head and I called and emailed them yesterday to get me my paperwork.

Linda, my friend and tax preparer is coming on Friday to help me out so I have to get all this stuff prepped before then. To be honest, I am glad I’ve given myself this deadline of Friday. I want to be done with this stuff and not think about it until I have to. April 14, 2010.

I got clear last week that the way I get things done is under pressure. When I plan things out over the course of days, months, years, my body doesn’t respond. I am not sure why and not sure if I even need to know why. All I have is the evidence of my experience. I get things done when there is urgency. Period.

That’s a very interesting one because I will never have that feeling of peace when I am working towards something because it will be in the 11th hour when all hell is breaking loose.  Perhaps I can have peace in knowing that I will be working at the last minute. Perhaps.

**

I had tea with my hairdresser from college on Larchmont yesterday. I’ve been out of the country and don’t really spend money on my hair these days because I’ve been without money for a while.  The meeting was fun and a little awkward. He came to my show Saturday night. I was pleasantly surprised because I didn’t even know he was in LA at the time. He told me he came straight from the airport to make the show.

He not only does hair, but fashion and make up too. His clients are well to do women and he has a lovely life for himself living between here and San Francisco. I was a little confused when I thought more deeply about his clientele. As I sipped the Moroccan Chocolate Mint tea he got for me at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I wondered How on earth am I a client of his when his ‘normal’ clients fly him to Miami, Paris and other fabulous places? Maybe the universe is showing me what direction I’m headed.

We talked about the show, about our families and our careers. He told me he knew he had it when it comes to the work he does. He’s just got it. I couldn’t do the same. I noticed how I down played how great I felt about my performance because he’d come to the show and if he had an interpretation different than mine of what happened there that night, I didn’t want to be embarrassed. It was trippy.

I noticed I wanted to hear more of what he thought about it than express what I felt happened.  I didn’t like that I did this.

I asked him what he thought about the show, my music, me as an artist. I lost it.

Cardinal Rule #1: If you’re an artist, claim it 100%- believe in yourself.

I broke the rule all too willingly.

I feel like I am good at what I do, but it is also clear to me that I don’t know the steps to take to get myself to the next level. I can do what I know how to do and have a mediocre career as a performer, but after yesterday’s visioning, I can’t afford to have a mediocre career. It’s like a cruel joke – knowing what I want and not doing what I need to do to get it.  That’s just torture.

Ron said he felt people ‘faked it till the made it’ here in LA.  He said that in order to play this game for real, I’d have to step into the world as if I’d already made it, as if I was famous. He also said, ‘I know you Monique and that’s going to be hard for you’.

I couldn’t argue. He was right.

He went on, ‘you’re the type of person that wants to know things before she does them’. So in essence, it was going to be a real challenge for me to let that energy go and be able to step into the role of real ownership about what I deserve, what I want and what I know I will get.

I used to be one of those people who felt that fake people were pathetic. I don’t think I understood then, what I understand now about the word ‘fake’. It doesn’t mean people aren’t genuine and it doesn’t mean people are liars, it means playing the role of confidence.  When my brother in law said you’ve got to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, I got it. When Ron said you’ve got to fake it till you make it, I got it.

Now how the fuck to do that? I don’t really think I have a clue.

Or maybe I do, but there is fear inside me that blocks me from doing it.

I explained all of this to Rich when I came home from Ron. He said he totally got it. He said that earlier in his career, he had to tell people what he visioned for himself as a coach even before it had happened and he grew into it.  By claiming it before it was there, he was able to get there.

So…where does all of this leave me?

The screwed up thing about it is that for most of my life, I’ve played the role of the woman who doesn’t really believe in herself, the woman who thinks life is available to others, just not her.  It’s like in an instance I have to flip the switch and become the person I never thought I was.

I need to see myself as a beautiful, sexy, confident, famous, desired for projects kind of person. What would that Monique do with her days? What would that Monique eat? Who would that Monique hang around with? How would that Monique treat herself and others?

Just typing the questions feels like I’m on to something.

I decided that after this week of bureaucratic bullshit (taxes, property management stuff and completing forms to turn into HUD to get a rebate for my private mortgage insurance from many years ago), I will work differently. I will still exercise, meditate and write daily and continue editing the book, but beyond those things, I will not be at my computer. I will make phone calls, set up meetings and really stretch myself in a way that I know will help grow my career.

What do I want?

To be a successful Performance artist. Singer, Songwriter, Collaborator, Author, Voice Over talent, Actress.

How will I know I am successful?

This still has to be determined, but Rich said he learned that if I draw a picture of what success looks like for me, that will help make it clear.

Who do I know who can be helpful on this journey?

I have a few people in mind that I have access to right now, but have just put it out of my mind that I can get in touch with them. It’s a lot of bullshit the stories I’ve been telling myself.  So, getting past the stories and making the calls and setting up the meetings. Preparing myself for these calls and meetings with having a clear vision of what I see for myself, having specific asks of these people and supporting myself in a way that gives me more energy to keep going.  I think I might do a visualization thing 4 or 5 times a day that lasts only minutes but gets me pumped. I know it will involve speaking out loud and really involving my entire body to get the blood flowing.

**

This is as far as I’ve gotten, but it’s time. Seriously.

I put a proposition to Ron yesterday as we perused Larchmont Beauty’s selections.

‘Would you be willing to help groom me? Help me understand how to maneuver through this Hollywood world?’

He said yes.

Congratulations Me.

Day 27.

I planned my week yesterday. That was a godsend. I also went power walking early this morning and of course, listened to Tony Robbins. Something different happened today when I was visualizing my life though.

I really got into it. I let myself feel the energy of what it would be like to be working at a studio on a television show as a series regular. I let myself feel what it would be like to live in a beautiful home on the beach and I saw the deep brown wood electronic gate with rot iron bolts open up for me to pull out onto PCH in my sleek black Honda CRV (you can’t get a more economical car). I saw my three children still sleeping in bed as I kissed them goodbye in their beautiful bedrooms and their dad awake coming from his workout in our home gym. I saw Gertrude, my chef, Franklin, my grounds keeper, April, my children’s nanny (she’s mixed race like me) and my yoga instructor, Poppy who was leaving after our session this morning.

It was lovely. I saw me pulling into the studio lot waving a warm hello to Malcolm the gatekeeper who tipped his hat to me. And then the execs of my show.  We are all in a meeting with the writer’s and my fellow cast members discussing our next episode. All of this by 7:30am. I have meetings with my publicist, my publisher, my agent and my manager. My assistant, Carol is by my side always making sure I am on top of my schedule.

I take a call from Rich at one of my breaks on the set and we laugh about something Mika (our daughter) did this morning while he took them to school. We discuss the dinner party we’re having tonight too with our friends who are doctors, fellow successful actors, musicians and Rich’s coaching partner (a man).  My favorite young piano player is coming over too to play for the night.

I love the character I play. She is strong, witty, loving and complicated when it comes to her expressing her feelings. I can relate to her and so appreciate the writing that goes into the show. We’re in our second season and we all know we’ve got a great thing going on.

I leave the lot around 2pm after taping 2 episodes today. I go to my kids school and wait in the car with Carol for them to come outside. They are two beautiful girls with a handsome young man sandwiched in between them. He loves his dad more than I can express with words. He actually thinks he’s funny. That in itself brings me joy.

The three of them throw their backpacks into the trunk of the CRV and Carol and I wrangle them in to put on their seatbelts. Rich is off giving a talk today to one of his major clients. He loves what he does. We laid in bed the night before discussing how excited he was and how he knew how much value he was bringing to the organization. He’s also been in talks with Oprah and her people about coming on the show regularly to share what he does and promote his new book, Success is what YOU make of it. I inspired the title.

We make our way home and the kids tell me all about their day.  They beg Carol to stay over after she finishes work with mommy today to play with them. She says of course and smiles brightly at me. Once we’re home, April greets us with open arms and the kids run to meet her. Gertrude lays out their snacks which are healthy and delicious and the kids scatter to their respective rooms to change and play for a bit. I know April really appreciates her job and I know she understands me and my children. She is a gift to our family.

I go to my sunken office that has the most beautiful view of the ocean and a light that makes me feel like I am so taken care of, to make calls to my publisher about the follow up to my first book about growing up in LA as a mixed race babe.  That book was such a success that it landed me my column in the New York Times and in Oprah’s monthly magazine along with 40 speaking engagements a year.

My time is precious and I only do what I love these days. It makes me a better person and a more loving person who has more to give to the world.

My agent calls to tell me the deal we’ve been working on to land a three picture movie deal with the top motion picture house has been worked out. She is elated. Her name is Elaine and she’s Chinese American and one of the most organized, visionary, clear thinking people I know. She gets what she wants. Always. And that’s why I love having her on my team.

I work with my production team and band three days a week, writing new material for us and for other people. Britney Spears just recorded one of my tunes which shocked me a bit but then once I realized how relatable my music is to the masses, got clear as to why.  My kids think it’s funny. In the off season of television, I travel to festivals and concert halls to perform as a vocalist. My entire family and team come with me and we make it a holiday.

Mommy’s doing what she loves and always makes sure she takes the people she loves with her, our son Charlie says to his teacher.

I am fulfilled, satisfied and always in gratitude for my life. I love my parents who are very involved in the kids lives. My sisters, brother and nieces are in constant contact and we get together at least monthly.  We have the resources to fly to all meet for at least 48 hours. And it is worth it.  Rich’s parents finally took the trip over to America to see the kids and his dad’s health has improved significantly. We of course travel to London twice a year to spend time with Rich’s family and so the kids can play with their cousins.

I am in awe at how filled my schedule is and at the same time, I never feel like I’m working. I have an accountant, lawyer, financial advisor and Carol to help me keep things in order. My manager Patty is in perfect alignment with me in my vision for my life and career. He is a genius when it comes to organizing and I pay him generously to show how much I value his contribution to my life.

I have great friends who I see each week. Some of them are coming over tonight for dinner. I have an amazing team of professionals who feel just as blessed as I do to be working with me. I have a wonderful mentor, spiritual advisor and community of mixed race families and friends who support my children and my relationship.

Rich and I miss each other in a good way because we’re so in love with what we’re doing and we make time twice a week to have our own time. Our kids always want to be a part of mommy and daddy’s time but they get how important it is.  We all communicate very well with each other and have family talks twice a month to talk about our families vision and how all five of us are contributing to the DeBose-Litvins having the best life.

We are in love with life, with each other and with spirit.

**

This is what I visualized today. I was filled with energy as I power walked through La Fayette Square. Having visions be so real and so detailed is a powerful experience. I noticed I didn’t care how long I walked. I didn’t put my attention outside my created experience to focus on lack or limitations. I felt energized and more determined than before to make this a reality.

In this moment I am so excited about my day. I am thinking, what can I do to help make this a reality? Who can I call? What meetings can I set up? Which classes can I take to help get me prepared for this life that has brought itself forward? I love it.

I almost don’t want to stop writing today because I want to live in the creation. And let me just claim it now. I can live in this creation. It will be the energy I use to motivate me to make the calls that have sometimes presented themselves as scary. I will use the energy to sustain the faith I have in life and myself and my talent.

Okay. Onward and upward. I claim today as a beautiful, empowered day. When I go to sleep tonight, I will knock out on the pillow because I used so much energy towards creating my ideal scene. I will be excited by what I did today and will have to tell Rich with the giddiness of a child in love with life.

Day 26.

My head is spinning today. I feel out of control. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning and felt an enormous weight before I even opened my eyes.

I want out of this life today.

There are a ton of things I need to be doing that I have just ignored for a while. Paying my taxes, getting my apartment rented, getting the condo in FL that’s going into foreclosure sold, completing the paper work necessary to recover money the government owes me from over 4 years ago… The list goes on and on.

These are all things I have absolutely no desire to do. That’s the hardest part. I need an accountant and an assistant.

The funny thing is that I can’t quite imagine that I’ll ever have these people in place with the way I’m going. Here I am saying I want this big career and I really want to take full advantage of my life, yet I think the game I am playing is too small for me.

I don’t think I really believe it will happen for me this lifetime around. My dad has always had beef with the idea of God and religion because he feels it gave black people the rawest of deals. Deal with the crap now. Accept what is given to you without question. Suffer with the grace of someone who knows they will have it better on the other side. And so according to my dad, many black people laid down their dreams, pride and dignity for the Lord, believing that they would be repaid in Heaven or wherever it is this good lord rests.

I feel like that black person my dad speaks of. I feel like that person who has given up on her dreams. What’s worse,I feel like a person who doesn’t believe that happiness and success in life are really available to me. It’s a sad feeling and I shake it off for a while and then it comes back in an even worse way.

Today is one of those days.

**

I went to Agape yesterday morning and loved Rev. Michael’s sermon. I can’t recall what it was about, I just know it resonated with me. I came home telling Rich how great it was and when he asked me what the Rev had said, I couldn’t tell him a thing.

‘I guess you had to be there’ was my final answer.

I saw a couple of friends I haven’t seen in a few years. It was so filling to have them reach out to me with their love and welcome me back home.

**

Afterwards, I went to the park where my mom and Ava were playing and ran around in the hot sand in bare feet and slid down bumpy slides. She is such a lovely little girl. She kicked sand at me while she was on the swing and once she saw my reaction of surprise, continued to do it with determination. She ended up kicking me in the boob and laughed out loud.

I walked her up to the slide and got her situated to fly down to grandma. Her fat little legs kept her from actually sliding. She more or less scooted herself down in jagged motion. I had the brilliant idea of taking off my faux silk blouse so she could sit on it and get some speed on the way down.

She went down so fast she bumped her head at the bottom. My mom had to catch her fast because if she hadn’t been standing there at the bottom, Ava would have flown off into the distance. It was hilarious. Ava looked back up at me with confusion and surprise. When she came back up the third time and I laid down my blouse again for her, she waved it out of the way as if I had insulted her.

**

I met up with a girlfriend I haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time last night. She is really in a mindset of true knowing of who she is. She is on top of her world and is seeing how her life is unfolding. She said she stopped swimming against the current and accepted the flow of life. I appreciate that about her.

I believe her and am looking forward to working with her. We’d spoken on the phone a few times before meeting up in person yesterday. Each conversation was inspiring and I felt like I wanted to be more like her. But after meeting in person yesterday, I got clear that who I am is a wonderful being and although I appreciate how she is claiming her life, I knew a greater truth that my life is also amazing and I can have more faith in who I am.

The biggest thing I gathered from our get together yesterday is I just need to step out more into my own life desires.

I also went to hear my friends play at a place called James Beach in Venice last night. It was cool. They were having so much fun and I missed not being on the stage with them. We’ve worked together for years and they are now doing an instrumental thing. I was hurt for a hot minute that I wasn’t included in their band- never mind the fact that I lived in San Francisco and then moved my ass to China while they were trying to get it together.

I am back now and there is a part of me that feels entitled to be in it automatically, regardless of the fact that they’ve been building energy and momentum all the time I’ve been out of town.

**

I know I am a great singer and I do just need to sing more. Period. End of story.

I think this week is going to be about finally getting all the bureaucratic bullshit out of the way. It consumes my time and energy. I am not looking forward to it and at the same time, I know I can flip the script on that outlook. The quicker I get through these things with grace and ease and gratitude, the more I will be helping me live my best life.

One of the thoughts I had before getting out of bed was also to plan out this week. Like for real. To write down all the things I need to accomplish and then put the to do action items in their respective time slots over the course of this week.

It feels like a great idea and I trust myself 80% that I’ll actually do that today. We’ll see.

**

Last night I had a bit of a melt down with Rich. Almost everything he did made my skin curl…blood boil? I don’t know the phrase but I was annoyed by him big time.

He picked me up and on the way home I had the desire for one of Tito’s Tacos. I wasn’t sure if it was on Washington Pl. or Washington Blvd., but something inside me told me it must be on Blvd. We maneuvered our way around Culver City to get over to Sepulveda. When we got to Washington Blvd., there was no sight of Tito’s. Yes, it was Washington Pl. By the time we got to Tito’s and parked the car, it was 10:01pm.

Tito’s closed at 10pm.

I was fucked off at myself for not knowing it was Washington Pl. but found myself more upset with Rich for the way he drives. It physically affected me yesterday to the point that I was concentrating on my breathing so I wouldn’t unleash the beast inside that wanted to smack him for being the carefree, relaxed driver that he is. That’s how he sees it anyway.

I go through this. I think it’s because there are times when I would just rather be on my own. There are times when I wish my life was completely different than what it is. I don’t necessarily want to do the work required to have that different life but I still want it.

We’ve been watching the Game, a tv show about the lives of football players and their wives. I want that life so badly right now. I want someone who is rich, powerful, in the know about American culture, adored, with a sick physique to sweep me off my feet and save me from my life.

TV is a dangerous thing for a personality like mine because sometimes I get lost in the idea of having something totally different than what I have. I value the something else more and then belittle and devalue what I have.

It’s something to do with that part of me that really hates me. (Don’t go getting all freaked out by this statement. It’s just the truth. I’m accept my make up, you can relax.)

But there is a part of me that really sabotages me. It’s the part that puts things off till it’s almost too late and then beats me up for being a procrastinator. It’s the part that overeats a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream because it won’t let me feel the feelings I’m feeling. It’s the part of me that nit picks every little thing about Rich and sees him as bad and wrong.  It’s the part of me that tells me I will never be happy.

It’s a bitch and it is present today. It was present last night.

Let me just plan my week.

Day 25.

The show was amazing. My voice was mostly mine to use although in the beginning I could hear I was nervous because there wasn’t as much air support in certain notes. But overall, it was a great ride and I got that people really enjoyed it.

I went out into the audience before I began to greet everyone. Something inside told me to do this. It definitely helped when I was building rapport with the audience from behind the bright lights of the stage.  I was hilarious. I’d worked last night on some of my patter and wrote a skeleton of what I’d do in the introduction improv.

I didn’t realize I’d been out of LA for almost 3 years. It’d been that long since I’d performed at home. So, I created this jam that would update folks who knew me from before on what I’d been up to. It went from India to meeting Rich to traveling the world to getting married in San Francisco to working for Obama to singing in China to writing this summer in New York. I’ve done a lot.

Tom and I had great energy between us. We were each others support. He asked me while we were setting the stage if I wanted him behind me.

‘Absolutely not Tommy. Pull your stool up here with me.’

It was great to be able to look to the right and see him there and we worked off each other musically better that way I think.

**

Quite a few people showed up which was a pleasant surprise. I had no idea what to expect. Before I actually went into the room, I could count on my fingers how many folks I knew were coming. That was 8. It’s laughable.

People I never even thought of who’d come were there just like people I assumed would show up, were nowhere to be found. My hairdresser from San Francisco came. My parents neighbors who I baked the cookies for came. Friends I’d campaigned for Obama with out in Toledo, OH came…after taking the LSAT.

It was Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and I was leading the way. I loved being able to talk with folks in between songs and to use the music as a tool to express more of the human condition. I shared about the song I’d written for Obama about how I came to dedicate that year of my life to the campaign.

I shared that I was sitting with my dad in his office one day at home and we were watching Barack talking about his bid to run for president. My dad had a tear in his eye, a grown ass man, and said, ‘I never thought I’d see this day’. In that moment I knew what I had to do. I stopped singing and spent all of 2008 working for the campaign.

People really appreciated hearing that story.

I also told folks that I hadn’t completed the lyrics to the song, well, that I had completed them at one point, but I had no idea where they were because we’d moved from SF to LA and I still haven’t unpacked all my boxes. So, I improvised on the tune. And I am so glad I did. I haven’t yet watched the footage of the show, but what I remember coming out of me was beautiful. It was free, filled with love and that song allowed my voice to dance all over the stage.

I remember seeing an episode of Malcolm in the Middle where the parents had been taking dance lessons. The camera does a close up of them and their faces. They are graceful, elegant and moving seamlessly. As the camera pulls out and you see the parents from the boys perspective, it’s a totally different experience. The parents are bumping into furniture, off beat and clumsy.

It’s all about perspective…or rather, it’s all about how you feel when you’re doing it.

I’ll watch the tape and let you know.

**

I gave out my second CD to everyone who came to the show. It was a practice of generosity. I know that I have been too stingy when it comes to giving so I wanted to know what it feels like to do that. A couple of people asked if they could pay me but I chose to tell them instead why I wouldn’t accept their money. It felt great to give. I hope people listen to them or at least pass the cd along to someone who might appreciate it.

**

I apparently didn’t read the fine print of the contract Genghis Cohen gave me. If 20 people showed up (which they did), we’d receive 4 bucks for every $7 ticket sold, but when I went to the door woman to collect the money, she said they also took an extra $25 for a…here it goes ladies and gentlemen…a production fee. What the fuck is a production fee?

I’d like to think I am on the up and up when it comes to communicating and I would expect the same from the people I work with. They should just say, they take 4 bucks and give the artist 3 instead of doing that whole production fee thing.

Whatever.

We ended up walking out the door with $67. I gave Tom $50 and then held on proudly to my $17.

I obviously didn’t do this show for the money. I couldn’t even buy a bus ticket (one way) to Vegas with my earnings.  I did it to get myself out there. I did it to show the universe how ready I am to be on stage, to perform, to do my life’s work here.

I am going to Agape tomorrow morning for service. I feel excited to be able to contribute to the collection basket with money I’ve earned from singing. I think I’ll give 7 bucks to Agape, put 7 bucks into our savings accounts and spend 3 on me.

Sounds like a plan.

Day 24.

We went out last night to meet up with my brother in law and a couple of his friends. It was a cool and I was grateful to have some plans out with other people. My body has really transformed into the body it was always meant to be. Beautiful, curvaceous and something to look at. Twice. Rich and I were bickering over how to put our bed together since it seems to want to fall every time we get on it. KCRW or HOT 92.3 was on blaring Friday night party music and here we were sweating moving mattresses. When Christopher called I was so happy to have a reason to become beautiful and let people see me.

We went to Club Was in Hollywood. I love the vibe in there- dim lit, warm and there is a piano in the center of the main room that sits on a rotating floor so folks can get a 360 view of the musician. I should audition for that spot. I had a Crown and 7 and enjoyed my outfit. Lovely heels and a beautiful denim, body hugging dress. The woman singing at the piano was great. I always wish I could be that person who accompanies herself at the piano and have been thinking about taking up lessons again. She was playing a lot of popular music mixed in with some wonderful originals.

**

My friend called me early this morning and invited me out to yoga in Topanga Canyon. I thought, ‘Wow, this is what I need to be doing especially today’. I was feeling a bit stressed thinking about having to commit to memory lyrics for Michael Jackson’s Human Nature not to mention writing lyrics to two of my newer songs still.  I ran down stairs to catch Rich because he said he was going to the gym moments before I got the call. I knew I shouldn’t have asked him to borrow the car since he hadn’t been to the gym in ages and was finally going. I wanted to support him but at the same time, I wanted to take care of my needs.

We need a new car and we needed it yesterday. I’m just sayin…

I broke through the house to catch him as he was backing out of the drive. ‘Babe, can I talk to you for a minute?’ knowing full and well what I was going to ask.

‘Sure’. He happily turned off the car. He was in resistance mode big time. He’d kissed me goodbye over an hour ago telling me he was off to the gym and turns out he’d checked his email and fluffed around the house while trying to motivate himself to go.

‘I just got invited to go do yoga in Topanga Canyon at 9am’, it was 8:37 already and I was still in my pj’s with morning breath.

He looked at me and then looked into the distance for a second.

‘Okay, you can have the car’. He didn’t even put up a fight. Boy, was he in resistance.

He got out of the car and took his gym bag into the house. As I began googling my directions, he had a change of heart.

‘You know what Monique, I do want to go to the gym. I’m sorry.’

The agreement we came to was that he would drop me off at my folks place so I could say hello to Ava and Christopher and then run back home for exercise.  At that point, I think I was doing things to avoid getting prepped for my show.

**

It’s an interesting phenomenon that people can state clearly what they want to make happen for their careers, yet also find a way to avoid doing the exact things they need to do. I think there is something about not putting my true self out there. Like it’s easier (in my mind) to do something half ass so that if folks aren’t into it, I can chop it up to, well, I didn’t actually put my whole self out there in the first place so folks can’t really judge the real me.

I feel excited about the show and I also want to make sure I have a great time while on the stage. I did a visualization exercise with Rich this afternoon where we went on a journey a year from now and the me then looked back at all the accomplishments I’d achieved after this show. It was helpful and it calmed me.

**

Once I got to my folks house, I immediately started playing with Ava. Christopher and I took her on a wagon ride around the block. I’ve never been around that block slower than today. Walking with a one and a half year old requires time. She wanted to get out of the wagon and smell flowers and touch leaves. She even wanted to pull the wagon herself. The entire walk Christopher was making jokes about him introducing me tonight. He really wants to be on a stage.

He does stand up comedy and is really funny. I think he’s been bitten by that same fear fly most of us have been bitten by.  He said things like My introduction will only be 7 jokes, What should we wear? How are you going to enter on stage? A bunch of mess.  It was making me a bit nervous, not because I thought he’d actually get on stage, but he was bringing up questions that I’d simply avoided. What will I wear? How will I speak to the audience from the stage?

The most important thing he said was that I always need to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. I appreciated him in this moment. I was telling him it’s just a small show, it’s no big deal, the venue is really small and casual. He said you never know who will be in the audience and that this show has to be my best show ever simply because it’s the show I am doing now.

I am sure that has had some impact on me.

**

Mom ended up giving me a ride back to my house because I just didn’t feel like exercising once I’d been out around the block with Ava and in the sun for all that time. No exercise today. I came home and watched like 4 hours of tv. I was still in avoidance mode and there was nothing I could do about it.

I like to think that spirit, god, the life force that runs me, knows what it’s doing even when I feel like I am out of control. I am sure there were master plan meetings going on deep in the recesses of my mind about tonight’s show while I lounged on the couch and surfed channels.

I have to get to the piano to prep.

Day 23.

My stomach hangs like a bag of rocks this morning and I’m pretty sure my body isn’t happy with me.  I needed to feed a hunger inside yesterday that was insatiable. My husband says it’s a few days till my period and I think sending off the book into the universe yesterday was more than my subconscious could handle.

We walked to the store last night with me on the mission of getting ice cream and cheesecake. I was determined. The entire time, I was hearing a voice inside saying, ‘I don’t really want to eat this stuff. It’s not going to satisfy us.’ What was amazing to me was that I was pretty much in agreement with the voice. This is growth. In the past, I’ve ignored that voice or told it to shut the fuck up.

Last night was different. Yes, I still got the ice cream and brownie bites (the cheesecake selection was so expensive that I couldn’t justify spending the money) but I didn’t feel that need like I’ve felt it before. I savored the dense chocolate in my mouth. I appreciated all the discipline and mind tinkering I’ve been doing to help me choose healthy foods to put in my body. Yes, I ate the sweets and I stayed conscious.

**

On our way to the store, we made quite a few stops throughout the neighborhood.  Rich has never really walked to what’s available to us in our little piece of LA. Our first stop was the bowling alley. It was bustling with people and felt alive. I was surprised to see as many white people as I did because I don’t typically think of the World on Wheels complex as a place where white folks go. It was a pleasant surprise. I told Rich we need to have a bowling party soon.

Next stop was the infamous World on Wheels roller skating rink. I was so excited to see a good number of people roller skating on a Thursday night. Again, it was a mixed group of folks. In the center of the floor was an area for teaching.  There were two couples safely tucked inside. The men of both couples were teaching their women partners the basics of skating. The Korean woman was waving her arms in large circles to keep her balance.  I felt Rich tense up when I suggested that I could teach him how to skate in there.

‘That is the worse thing to have your partner teaching you something’, he shot back.

We have issues with that. Big time. I know he doesn’t trust me with his vulnerability when it comes to learning things. Just like I don’t trust him. I can understand why he was hesitant. I am a tyrant when it comes to imparting knowledge…to him. It’s this weird mix of why doesn’t my man know how to do ‘x’ and then that triggers all my shit about him not being able to take care of me because I am the one who is showing him ‘how to survive’. And then it just gets ugly because instead of simply sharing the information (teaching the man to fish so he can become self sufficient), I shame him for not being enough.

It’s definitely my thing and I completely understand why he would say something like that. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ruined things beyond repair with my issues, but I have to hope that this isn’t the case.
**

I feel really overwhelmed today. I haven’t worked in my office upstairs for the last three days. It’s like a tornado hit the room and I just don’t have the tools to clean up the damage. I can’t function in there with the 10 boxes piled high, the couch strewn in the middle of the room ever since the cable guy came to install the internet connection and the sun beams in full tilt each afternoon causing a reflecting beam of light on my glass top desk rendering me blind.

I’ve been working in the kitchen, dining room and living room and it’s fine with me. Every time I walk past my office I wish I had someone from the Oprah show to do the makeover magic they do for people. A girl can hope.

**

Tom is coming over today at 2pm again for our second rehearsal.  My goal was to write a new song for the show this weekend. I still haven’t done it. I am hoping inspiration hits before he rings my doorbell. It might.

I sent out an email last night letting people know about the performance. I am hoping 20-40 people show up. I checked my Constant Contact stats this morning…not to see how many folks opened the email, but to see if anyone had said I’d spammed them. I get hurt every time people opt out from receiving email updates from me. Mind you, I’ve opted out of more than I can count email updates from people…just depending on my mood that day, but I still feel hurt when people do it to me. That’s an interesting one.

One person who opted out today is a successful writer I’d reached out to at the beginning of the summer. I’d seen one of his books featured on Oprah and on a whim, googled and emailed him. I told him I’d seen his book on Oprah, had worked in a place where he’d worked before and that I was in the beginning stages of writing this book on growing up mixed race. He wrote me back immediately and said he was happy to help with any questions I might have on the writing process.

I was shocked and so happy to have connected like that.

I didn’t know what to say after that except thank you and I’d be in touch with questions.  It’s amazing how the universe works the way it does when we’re in complete alignment with our purpose. A few weeks went by (maybe a month and a half?) and I wrote him again to begin the relationship.  He didn’t write back. I took that to mean he was busy. I wrote again after that and still haven’t heard back.

And then to see that he opted out of my email list made me feel like an idiot. I am sure there is no need for me to feel this way, but that’s where my energy went. The rational part of me says, ‘Monique, because someone opts out of your singing list serve doesn’t mean anything beyond they don’t like getting emails not directly related to them.’ I can understand that. I really can. Like I said, I’ve opted out of receiving people’s emails just because.

I seriously don’t know how I am going to make it in this world if I am so attached to how people feel about me.  And more importantly, I know I have the tendency to make up how I imagine people are feeling about me without looking for any real evidence.  My made up versions as to why shit happens are negative 90% of the time. How am I going to get anywhere with those stats?

All that to say, now that I have this book energy circulating in the world again, I may open up to emailing him again (about the book- not the music stuff) and see if we can connect.

Day 22.

I worked feverishly last night and this morning on editing my book. I still have no idea how to weave it into a readable story. I’ve been terrified to read through what I wrote so many months ago in New York,  but after mustering up the courage to read it I discovered it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.

When I was writing this book in May, June and July, I gave myself only one assignment- write everyday. By hook or by crook I was sitting in front of my computer staring out at the Empire State Building out my 12th floor picture window in my subletted Brooklyn apartment. Typing like I was in a trance. Some of the days, I actually was in a trance. The words would pour from my fingers and I’d have to stay conscious enough to keep up with them. That was all that was required of me. I remember mornings where I’d be crying like a baby as the words flowed out. Like the little girl inside who’d been silenced for so long was finally having her say.

It was beautiful and very healing.

For the longest, I’ve wanted to give her the space to speak her truth but the circumstances in my world never lined up for this to happen until this summer.

**
I woke up this morning and didn’t bother exercising. I justified it by saying I needed to keep my commitment (which I’d already broken) and do what I needed to do to get this book in the mail. I gave myself the deadline of sending it off to a writer I met this summer in a singing circle by Wednesday. After tap class Wednesday night, I sat down to put in all the edits I’d compiled from reading through the pages of my life. I quickly assessed that there was no way on earth I would be able to read it all and drive down to the LAX post office by midnight.

After this realization, I sat on the couch in defeat (and probably a little protest) and watched Oprah.

This morning I got through the changes of the first 70 pages. I decided this was a sufficient chunk to get her started and enough for me to feel good about getting it in the mail.

I have no idea how she’ll respond. The book deals with some really powerful subject matter and I have this sneaking suspicion that it’s going to push a lot of buttons for a lot of people. I don’t know if I am ready for all that may come from releasing this energy into the world, but I pray to god that every thing happens in its perfect time.

I will probably send it out to my sister and a few other writers to get some initial feedback.  I have to go through the other 75% of it by this weekend so that I can get that out into circulation too.

**

I went with Rich to the beach today to meet up with his cousins who are visiting the west coast from England. They apparently met an LA couple on a cruise some time ago and those people invited them to stay at their home. In Bel Air. I’ve never even been to Bel Air. The closest I’ve gotten is when I worked at UCLA and would drive down Sunset or watching the Fresh Prince.

I noticed I felt threatened by this fact and didn’t want to invite them over to our place. Not that our home isn’t beautiful, but it sure ain’t in Bel Air. We live in a working class neighborhood. We live where people don’t necessarily value their homes or more importantly, don’t own them so they feel unmoved to care about the neighborhood. Maybe that’s even wrong. Maybe the people own their homes, but have a different set of values when it comes to maintaining their properties.

We live where people put fences around their homes to keep out everyone else in the neighborhood. I guess people in Bel Air do that too…it’s a gated community for god’s sake.  My neighborhood has taco stands, and Tom’s burgers (not Tommy’s), and grafitti and apartment buildings with kids pink scooters on balconies. My neighborhood has hammocks on people’s front lawns, old beat up cars that get worked on in the middle of the street, loud hip hop music that bleeds through my windows from someone’s car each day and dogs that bark in chorus every time a person rides by on their bikes.

**

I didn’t want to have Rich feel embarrassed because this is where he lives now too. He hasn’t said he’s embarrassed and in fact he’s said he thought it was amazing that I had the foresight to purchase this place when I was so young.  And he is a man who wants nice things and works to get those nice things. He wants us to be moved out of here and into a nicer area (possibly the beach) in the next year.

He really frightened me when he said that. All my defenses showed up ready for battle. I felt with that one statement, he was saying he didn’t like where we lived, he thought it was beneath him and he didn’t like the people who lived around us. It cut deep into something that is very tender for me.

In all honesty, I would love to live in a better, nicer neighborhood where you have beautiful scenery and convenient amenities. But I attach that to mean that I don’t want to be down with my people, with the people, that in some way, I want to sell out.

Oh, the plight of the tragic mulatto. Drama.

Day 21.

It’s been three weeks since I started this blog. I feel a real sense of accomplishment. I honestly didn’t know if I’d take myself seriously enough to write everyday. Funny thing is, I didn’t write yesterday. So today I will write both Wednesday’s entry as well as Tuesday’s.  It’s funny trying to put myself back in what I think might have been my mindset yesterday, but alas I will try.

Tom and I had our rehearsal yesterday afternoon. It was great. I sang for about three hours and really wore my poor little voice out. It’s like I went to the vocal gym, after not being there for a while and did one of the most intense workouts I could do. I literally felt exhausted yesterday. When I helped Tom carry his gear out to his car, I remember standing on the curb thinking I need to take a nap…desperately.

The rehearsal was great. We went through a few songs from the first album and two from the second. I initially didn’t want to have the older songs in the set because these were the songs I used to perform the last time I was performing here in LA, but then I thought, some folks are going to want to hear these older songs. They’re what made me in the first place…or something like that. They’re great songs and deserve some energy again.

I also included two brand new songs that have never been performed or recorded for that matter. They are in their infant stage of being notes scribbled on a piece of sheet music. I love that they will be exposed to other ears. It’s time.

It was great reconnecting with Tom. He came with me to Amsterdam all those years ago (2005) when my first album had just been released and a promoter from the Netherlands invited me to come perform there. I wanted him to go because he knew the music. He agreed because it would be a fun opportunity and he could tie the trip in with going home to Germany to visit his folks and friends.

I remember the promoter asking me on our cross Atlantic calls if I needed her to hire musicians to work with me while out there. I kept telling her no. I guess I thought I’d be able to hire my own. Ludicrous. The truth is I was afraid to tell her or anyone for that matter that I needed help. Like something was wrong with me for not having access to the Dutch musician’s roster. That’s one thing I’ve done for a good while and it’s also a pattern I am willing to break.

**

Tony Robbins really inspired me today. I was listening to day 4 of his program. He talked about our physical bodies and the ways we can build and sustain energy. I really appreciated what he said about eating green vegetables and hydrating the body. He said that eating fruit was not the best thing for us- which bothered me since I try to eat a lot of fruit in my smoothies. But today I tried a different breakfast of water, spinach, kale and a banana all blended into liquidy goodness. It was alright. I definitely missed the fruit, but I could actually feel the effects of the boost I was getting as the liquid went down.

Something I’ll consider.

**

I feel pretty low energy in this moment, funny enough. I am sure it has something to do with today being the day I said I’d mail my first draft off to a reader. I will do it. I wonder if I shouldn’t bother breaking big tasks into smaller chunks over different days. It didn’t seem to work for this read through task. When I made the plan to accomplish this task, I broke it down so that I’d read 25 pages a day and feel comfortable with the book so that by today, I’d relaxingly go down to the post office and put the manuscript in the mail.

It hasn’t happened this way. No. In fact, today, after writing this entry and Tuesday’s, I will spend the late morning and afternoon, ignoring anything else in my life to read this God awful book. I’m sure it’s not really awful, but sometimes reading through it is more pain than a woman wants to willingly subject herself to. The feelings I’ve had over the years, the way I thought the world was, the thoughts I still have today that embarrass me…it’s challenging to confront all of that. To see it on paper and know that my intention is to put it out in the world. Why would I want to do that? Yet, something inside me tells me it’s necessary.

Of course the side of me that has no faith in me and feels totally unsafe in my presence (stay with me) says, ‘You’re just going to embarrass us! You’re proving to everyone what a fool they already thought you were!’ That side of me hates me right now for even considering shining light on the dark, shameful thoughts, feelings, experiences I’ve had.

There’s the other part of me that is driving this train that really wants the book to get out. For one, to just complete something I said I’d do, but also to share my experiences. It’s bound to relate to someone and can’t be a bad thing if it’s honest. And it is.

There’s a lot of judgment swirling around in this possible Molotov cocktail called my thoughts. And I keep moving forward anyway…procrastinating till the very last possible moment, but still moving.

**

I had my third voice over session last night. I was exhausted before we even started since I’d sung with Tom for 3 hours earlier. It was still fun and I appreciate what I am learning. I can’t wait to get an agent. It’s almost torturous. I’ve only been working with my teacher for three sessions, but I so want to be going out to book jobs.

She shared last night all the different ways to make a living as a voice over artist. It was all very exciting. I was seeing myself being a the voice of some major product or an announcer for some network’s new season of shows. How fun and lucrative would that be?! She told me about Loop groups which sounded awesome. They’re the people who make all the background sounds or paging sounds in a hospital (for example) on the post production side of tv and movies. They work consistently and get paid over $700 for a four hour day of work. Hell yeah.

She also asked me a question that got me curious to find out what she was really asking. ‘Are you staying in LA because you want to?’

‘What?’ I asked hoping she’d clarify what she really wanted to ask.

‘Meaning, you are probably getting offers to go sing overseas, right? What’s keeping you here in LA?’

I understood her question to mean, are you serious about a voice over career? I’d gotten the sense that there had been other folks she’d invested her time in who, maybe on a whim or because of a great job offer, decided to not pursue the voice over craft anymore.

I explained that I was very serious. So serious in fact, that I am watching tv for the commercials alone now that I have cable. That’s not totally true.  I actually watch tv for tv still but I don’t mute the commercials anymore and sometimes I even rewind them to practice.

I want her to know that I am someone who is serious about this work and someone who is eager to go out and audition.

As soon as possible.

Like yesterday.

**

I am continuing to reach out to people to build community here in LA and am finding it challenging. I have to reach out to the woman who offered to mentor me last week and finally start the conversation. I have people who I haven’t heard back from who I’d like to reach out to again and then there are folks who have reached out to me and for some reason (most likely overwhelm) I haven’t returned their calls.

Today is a busy day. I am grateful for it and hope it all works out beautifully.

Day 20.

It was hard exercising this morning. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I think the two days off from it while I was in Sac was enough to weaken my momentum. When I did finally get out of bed and stumbled out to the bathroom I saw Rich coming out of his office in his workout gear.

That’s a rare thing these days. Honestly I don’t think I’ve seen him workout since the first day I got back and we went to the gym. That was September 3rd I think…He’s definitely got a body that doesn’t really gain weight, which is a good thing for him and our unborn children hopefully, but I know he likes how he feels when he does work out.

We decided to exercise together this morning. He asked if I wanted to and before thinking I said, ‘sure’. I think I was still half asleep to be honest.

I like to do me and I noticed that I was short with him when he wasn’t down stairs fast enough. I felt myself getting frustrated and started out the back door. As I walked down the driveway, I saw him out of my periphery bringing up the rear. We kissed because he said, ‘give me a kiss…you know you want to’ and then basically went off at our own speeds.

I can’t speak for all marriages and would never ever ever ever ever want to, but I know for me, in this relationship, I need my space. Our relationship is so intense. We have the tendency to hang out around each other more than is enjoyable. We genuinely love each other and are so different in how we think about life, approach it, live it…you name it.

When we first got together, we literally spent every day together for the first two years. I kid you not. I think we had about four weeks away from each other in total.  I remember he went to the Himalaya’s for a bit while I was singing in Delhi and I went to the Himalaya’s (funny enough) to trek with a girlfriend while he went to Rishikesh. That’s it.

Not until the call to go to Toledo, OH for team Barack Obama did we separate.

Neither one of us thinks it’s healthy for our souls, our sex, our relationship to be around each other so much, yet both of us default into this.  I notice my mother is all about her family. It’s a beautiful thing and I feel grateful (now) that I’ve had such stability in my life, but at the same time, I can really see the effects of not building other relationships in her life. I know she is who I have modeled myself after, not necessarily by choice, but by the mere fact that it is her behavior I saw everyday.  It was her energy, her emotion, her choices that were available for me to groom myself after.

I have this terrible fear that if I don’t start and build a successful, meaningful career, I will become a woman who spends all her energy on her husband and her children. That’s fine if that is what a woman wants and consciously chooses this road, but it is not what I want. I absolutely do not want to feel like the only outlets I have to life, learning and love are my husband and children.

For me, this would be death.

I know it sounds extreme, but I am a spirit that loves to have new experiences, loves to learn from different people and needs this to feel good about my life. I hear a voice in my head saying, ‘you can have new experiences with your children and husband everyday…just the mere fact that you’re all living life and learning about yourselves allows you to relate to each other in a different way all the time.’

Yes. This is true. In theory.

I may be an idiot, but after a while, I get used to things/people and I know for a fact that I stop seeing with fresh eyes and have the horrible habit of seeing them as static objects/creatures.  I could deny this and say I am going to work on this to change it…and I am…everyday, but the current truth and there’s evidence to back it up, is that I get bored easily.

This to me is owning my humanness. It doesn’t mean this is the end all and be all of Monique and how she relates to people, it just means that I know how I currently behave and have a tendency to operate.

**

I see my parents sometimes and wish they’d take a break from each other to really discover what life entails apart. Not to end their marriage, but to go out and live truly so they can add to it.

This is what I want for Rich and me too. I think we do a pretty good job of this and we’ve also taken it too far and fallen off the edge of rocky, steep, relationship threatening cliffs on more than one scary occasion.

**

I say all of this to say I want a career. It always comes back to this simple desire. But in my mind, it’s not so simple. It’s actually really complex, difficult and challenging. Rich recently asked me after I was going on and on about needing a successful career, ‘You really think your career is something out there, don’t you?’

I didn’t respond. Not because I was offended or in protest, but because my brain couldn’t understand the question.

He went on, ‘Can’t you see that your career is right here inside of you?’, he gently touched my chest with his finger tips. ‘Your career is the life you’re living’.

It was an interesting observation.

**

We ended up linking up at the end of our individual exercise sessions. We walked down West Blvd. hand in hand not really speaking because I was still listening to the Tony Robbins warm down.

He went inside the house to make a smoothie and I unraveled the hose out front to water the grass.

Tuesday.

Day 19.

I am back in LA after riding in the back seat of my mom’s gray Camry with Ava. She slept for the first 4 hours of the trip and then we sang her entire repertoire of the ABC’s, the Itsy Bitsy Spider and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. She is such a joy to watch. I love her.  We also took our shoes and socks off, tried on each others socks, pulled our headbands off our heads, put them around our faces and compare the size of our feet. She also mimicked me spinning my headband around my forearm like a hoola-hoop singing out a random cacophony of notes. She laughed with abandon and made me do the same.

She’s a lovely girl and I am grateful she is my sister’s daughter. My big sister came quickly in the house this morning because she didn’t want Ava to see her crying. Renee is a great mom and has completely softened with the birth of her daughter. Renee is the first to admit that she hated both me and Genevieve growing up. And it makes sense. She had to take care of us and felt like she missed out on a lot of the carefree part of childhood. She’s since moved past the hatred but with Ava coming into the picture, she’s even nicer.

**

My mom and I didn’t really talk that much on the 6 and a half hour trip. No reason beyond keeping the car quiet for Ava’s sleep time. There was an article on the radio about this week being the 25th anniversary of the Cosby Show airing on NBC and whether or not it changed the perception of the black family. 25 fucking years! That means I was 9 years old when the show first aired…no wonder I related so much to Vanessa Huxtable.

I remember always being upset that I reminded myself of Vanessa. She represented awkward, needy and not cool…and that’s exactly how I felt.

I asked my mom whether she liked the Cosby show. She said, ‘yes, of course. I loved that the children were real children…all so different.’ She paused to reflect. ‘Kind of like our family.’

I wanted to ask her if she was aware they were a black family.  Of course she knew they were black, she’s not blind, but what I mean is did she see them first as a black family or were they a family like ours first and they happened to be black?  I was too afraid to ask her though. I didn’t know if it would open a can of worms for her that I wouldn’t be able to get the lid back on. In all honesty, it was probably my own can of worms I was afraid of opening.

I noticed at the Dodger game with my dad too that I had questions and felt like there was an opportunity to ask them but I let my fear get the better of me.

**

I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point in my relationship with my parents and myself where I see myself as an adult with ideas, opinions to be valued and a real sense of societal worthiness. It’s a loaded ‘wondering’ but it’s a necessary one.

I sometimes wonder if I haven’t taken myself seriously in my career because there’s some bondage I still feel trapped in related to just not being taken seriously throughout life.  My parents have something to do with that because as their child I was to be seen and not heard. We didn’t have time or the luxury to consider my opinions and I was therefore frustrated a lot of the time initially. The frustration morphed into powerlessness and I’ve kind of sat in that space for most of my adulthood.

**

I told myself I was going to read my book draft in the car on the ride down. I slept for the first two hours with Ava to the left of me and when I woke up my backpack sat at my feet calling me.

I just don’t understand why we as human beings lie to ourselves. And more importantly, why we can’t do the things we know we need to do. Tony Robbins says it’s habit and I believe that. I notice I am one of the best procrastinators I know. I made an agreement with myself to have this book be in the mail to an author for help and feedback by Wednesday. It’s got to happen.

I actually believe I will get it done.  Today is still open to me reading.

**

We went to my aunt Mary’s house in Fairfield after my mom and brother picked me up from the airport.  It was nice to be there and to catch up. I ate way too many grapes and slices of deli meat. I don’t know why. Something in me needed to be fed. Her neighbor has a huge apple tree and she gave us a huge grocery bag of apples.

The first thought I had was to bake a pie. I love the apple pies I make and Renee’s best girlfriend, along with her daughter and mom were spending the night over her house with the rest of us.

I decided to consciously enjoy eating pie and ice cream last night. It was delicious. I love that I have been able to be so aware of what I am putting in my body and to also be able to enjoy a slice apple pie and ice cream.

I woke up this morning feeling blocked and still full from last night’s dessert. But I am so glad I got to enjoy the crust, the sugared apples and the cool ice cream sliding down my throat.